Jesus Ants

If I’ve spoken to you in the last two months, I have complained about the ants. Dear Lord, I have never hated something so small, so much. They get into never before been opened jars of peanut butter. They infiltrated the Tupperware with my sugar in it. They swarmed my freshly baked cornbread. I swear to God, I found an ant inside the screen of my cell phone. They are everywhere. They can even walk on water.

For a while, I thought I was outsmarting them – I would open a can of sweetened condensed milk, and (not having a refrigerator) I would put the can in a bowl of water. This was after putting a piece of cardboard in the hole and putting the can in a Ziploc bag failed to repel the ants. For a while, the system worked. Then one day I awoke to a can swarming with ants. I concluded that either they had divine help, or they were sacrificing some ants and using them as an insect bridge from the edge of the bowl to the can. The problem is that I am utterly powerless in the face of both scenarios. If God is on their side, I should just let them have the damn milk. And if they are so organized and masochistic so as to literally walk on the backs of their fallen comrades, well then, I don’t stand a chance.

At first I was angry – I threw things, screamed, and cursed at the ants. Then I was resigned – I tossed the sugar, stopped buying condensed milk. Next, I was defiant – they were not going to take my fancy (and expensive) granola bought in Cotonou away from me, even if it meant that I had to eat ants. Now, I am trying a tactic of all out guerilla warfare. I have an array of insecticides, all most likely illegal in the US and causing unknown harm to myself and potentially my future children. One is called “RAD” which stands for “Read a Dream” which not only is nonsensical but also has nothing to do with insects. It promises, “One touch kills vermin in the whole room!” It works well in the moment but doesn’t have the long lasting preventive power I’m looking for. So Sister Francisca (not really a nun, but it would be funny if she were) gets me some white powdered stuff called “Commando” which has the Ghana Standards Board seal of approval. It is multipurpose: you can use it on your garden, in your house, in your latrine, and to delouse your dog or fowl. Some volunteers from Burkina suggested filling cans with kerosene and setting them under the table legs. This might work, though I’m afraid that frequent power outages (and subsequent match/candle usage) might not mix well with open containers of kerosene.

So we’ll see whether these new plans work out. If not, I might need professional help by the time I’m done with my two years (sometimes I sing to them: “I hate you little anties/ yes I do/ you’re the worst creatures in the world.” You can make up the tune as you go along.) In any case, you don’t need to worry about me getting enough protein.